I am thinking about those theatres that started when I was a little girl, before I knew anything about the theatre and certainly before I knew anything about the kind of theatre I want to make. I am thinking ‘how did they start?’ Did they also have friends, and lovers, and parents and co-workers rowing the boat before they had personally unrelated fans and followers plus actors who were trying out at every audition? That’s not my ambition, per say, but to have support from people who like the work/love the work and want to take part – even as benefactors. That’s my ambition.
But I’m at the start of my story, I’m at the beginning of my journey that will one day be older than dreaming youngsters. There are kids now who know dick about theatre and less about the theatre they want to make, but as I figure it out I work. To keep my head afloat, my bills paid, my obligations met. To keep my work true and within the budget my tips allow. To be okay with the personal sacrifices. To be okay with my mistakes. To stay inspired. To stay awake.
I envy artists who support themselves either through their work or “other” – mark the box labeled “other” (mom/dad are rich, drug dealing.) I envy their time. Not their homes or their boho chic look. Tie your shoes! Pull up your pants. Get that fringe cut, for Christ sake! No, I envy their time. I hope they aren’t wasting it. Every minute I’m not “keeping my head afloat” I’m swimming to the other shore – their shore, the lots of time to “create” shore, the rehearse whenever we can “shore.” How fortunate they are to be on that shore and not this one. You bastards – take note: this shore wears! Beware or you’ll be banished here for being lazy shits! And then what? Minimum wage and lamentations! I promise….
But Keanu wouldn’t be what it is without my expensive education, and I’m grateful for it. I’m asking these questions because the journey has brought me here to a place where I’m asking them. Even though the cost of it, this education, these degrees, perhaps, are holding me back from making the show I could with more….time. Time, that is the most precious thing, isn’t it? Time. Space I can come up with. I can make non-space into space, I can create space in my mind. But time….I can’t imagine that/design that/buy that. I can only hope one day there is more time and work to eliminate things that take up “time.” I’m swimming to that shore in search of time.
I’m drowning. I feel despairing. The shore is a long way off. But I swim. It sucks but I swim.
